


Staten Island Serenade

by juniperhoot



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anal Sex, Barisi - Freeform, Bisexual Sonny Carisi, Established Relationship, Fellatio, Fluff and Smut, Gay Rafael Barba, Like seriously so much fluff but also so much smut, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Self-indulgent exploration of Carisi family dynamics, Smut, The Carisi family is my fave and I love them, Unapologetically self-indulgent, past homophobia, past religious trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-03-19 22:02:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniperhoot/pseuds/juniperhoot
Summary: After almost six months of dating, Rafael has agreed to spend Memorial Day weekend with Sonny at his parents' house in Staten Island.Three full days with a family that never spoke in anything less than an outside voice. Three days sharing space with a group of physically demonstrative people who didn’t seem to understand the concept of personal boundaries. Three days of sharing a bed in Sonny’s teenage time capsule of a bedroom.Three days in heaven, basically. He just didn’t know it yet.





	1. Friday Night

The Carisi family was tight knit.

From the time Rafael met Sonny, he’d been inundated with references to his sisters, anecdotes about his parents, and occasionally, baked goods straight from Mama Carisi’s kitchen. When he could get away from the city, Sonny enjoyed spending the occasional weekend at his parents’ Staten Island home. Even after they’d started dating a few months ago, Sonny still made a priority of spending time with his family. He said it helped to keep him grounded, spending time with the people who’d known him his whole life. 

The first few times, Rafael assumed he wasn’t invited. Despite the amount of time Sonny was spending at Rafael’s apartment, they weren’t technically living together, and in those early months, it would have felt odd. There wasn’t a hard and fast rule about how soon was too soon for meeting someone’s parents, but so far, Rafael’s gut had deemed it too soon. He’d always either changed the subject or immediately announced all the absolutely vital, overdue things he needed to spend the weekend doing while Sonny was away. It was true, he always had work he could be doing, and frankly, sometimes he really needed to be alone to get things done. Even if he didn’t need to spend the weekend on a case, he could read one of the books that had been collecting dust on his bedside table. 

Their six month mark was coming up in a few weeks, though. And this time, Sonny didn’t just hint around; he flat-out asked Rafael to join him for his next weekend with the family. It was inevitable. There didn’t seem any point in refusing. Besides, Sonny looked so happy when Rafael nodded his agreement, he couldn’t help but feel he’d made the right call. 

Granted, that was before he found himself at the Carisi Compound for Memorial Day weekend. Three full days with a family that never spoke in anything less than an outside voice. Three days sharing space with a group of physically demonstrative people who didn’t seem to understand the concept of personal boundaries. Three days of sharing a bed in Sonny’s teenage time capsule of a bedroom. 

Three days in heaven, basically. He just didn’t know it yet.

**********

“There they are!”

The Uber driver was still pulling suitcases out of the trunk of the car when Valeria Carisi flung open the screen door and raced out to greet Sonny and Rafael. She was petite, with heavy bangs framing her heart-shaped face, and the rest of her thick, definitely-dyed blond hair pulled back into a utilitarian ponytail. Her sparkling blue eyes reminded Rafael of Sonny’s. She flung her arms around her son, kissing his cheek repeatedly before releasing him and turning the full intensity of her attention to his companion.

“Rafael, we’ve heard so much about you! Are you a hugger?” Without waiting for an answer, she pulled him into a tight hug. “We’re huggers here.”

He was not actually a hugger in the hi-we-just-met-so-let’s-press-our-bodies-against-each-other sense, and felt a moment of mild panic. He patted her on the back a few times, hoping she would correctly interpret the universal sign for “I’m ready for this hug to end now.” She didn’t, but it was his first time meeting her and he wanted to make a good impression, so he kept hugging (and patting) until she released him. Stifling a sigh of relief, he mustered a smile and a gracious, “It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Carisi.”

“Oh, listen to you. _‘Mrs. Carisi!’_ Your mother raised you right, didn’t she? Oh, Sonny, he’s just the cutest.” 

“He’s standing right here, Ma.” Sonny shook his head and looked over at Rafael with a shrug and an unspoken, _“What can you do?”_

“Oh shush.” She squeezed Rafael’s shoulder and smiled warmly at him. “You can call me Val, okay? Dom’s in the house, he can’t wait to meet you.” 

As though he’d been summoned by the mere utterance of his name, Dominick Carisi Sr. strode out into the front yard. He was tall, even taller than Sonny, with a surprising head of mostly grey hair, and gangly limbs just like his son’s. He wore thick, black-rimmed glasses and a black polo shirt tucked into plaid Bermuda shorts. He was talking even before he reached them.

“...was telling her I was sure you’d get here after seven, but look at you boys, it’s just after 6:30. Did you leave early to beat the weekend travelers, or just get lucky?” Dominick, like his son, waved his hands around as he talked, gesturing in Val’s direction, sweeping the air as though banishing the traffic between Manhattan and Staten Island. He reached for Sonny’s hand, shaking it for a split-second before laughingly yanking him into a hug, slapping his back repeatedly with affection and pride. “As if I could greet you with a lousy handshake, my boy.”

“No matter how many times you do that, it never gets old.” Sonny grinned at his father, then turned to gesture toward Rafael. “Dad, this is Rafael Barba. Rafi, this is the original Dominick Carisi.”

“Ohh, the original! I like that!” The elder Carisi nodded at his son while vigorously shaking Rafael’s hand. “Although technically, I was named for one of my great-uncles. Not that he’s here to fight me for the title, God rest his soul.”

Rafael’s eyes darted back and forth between Sonny and his father, the corners of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. “The apple didn’t fall far from the tree. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carisi.” 

“Oh sweetheart, call him Dom. Or Dominick.” Val giggled, adding, “Just don’t call him late for dinner!”

“Fortunately, I’m playing grillmaster tonight, so there’s no worry of me missing dinner.” Dominick wrapped an arm around his wife’s shoulders, bending down to press a playful kiss to her cheek. “You’d really have to do a number on me for that to happen. Not that I’d object.” 

With a squeal, Val swatted her husband’s hands away from her backside, wagging a finger at him. “Oh, Dom, behave! What has gotten into you tonight?” 

“I think you know.” Dominick waggled his eyebrows at his wife.

Ignoring her husband’s blatant flirtations, Val smiled at her son and Rafael. “Sonny, you’ll be happy to hear we swapped that dinky old bed from your room with the full-sized one from the guest room. It’s not that much bigger but you two wouldn’t fit in a twin bed. At least, not for sleeping.”

“Ma!” Blushing a deep pink, Sonny threw his hands up in the air. “We talked about this.”

“Oh, my baby boy, you’ve always blushed so easily. It’s that fair skin. I hope you remembered your sunscreen. If not, there’s some in the upstairs bathroom for you.” 

“Great. Thanks. Now, if you’re finished embarrassing me, maybe we could show Rafi the inside of the house?” Without waiting for a response, Sonny picked up one of their bags and started walking toward the front door.

Rafael went to pick up the remaining suitcase, but Dominick waved him away and grabbed it. “You’re our guest this weekend, Rafael. Let us spoil you a bit.”

The house was exactly what Rafael expected. Comfortably outdated furniture, family photos on the walls, and an upright piano in the corner of the living room. They paused in front of a framed and matted set of Sonny’s school pictures, from kindergarten through twelfth grade, documenting his progression from a chubby-cheeked cherub to an awkward teenager with a bowl cut parted down the middle to a lanky, grinning young man with meticulously messy hair that spilled down to frame his face.

Rafael pointed at the senior picture and glanced at Sonny, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “This is the haircut I imagined you had back then.” 

“Laugh it up, but that was a very cool look at the time.” 

“Our Sonny was always a cutie, wasn’t he? But I’ll admit, I was always after him about that hair. Why hide this angel face?” She reached up and squeezed Sonny’s face. “Just look at that. A baby.” 

“Ma…,” Sonny protested helplessly. He flapped one of the lapels on his suit coat, creating an almost imperceptible breeze. “It’s hot in here, and I need to change outta this suit or I’m gonna die.”

“Fine, Rafael and I will just have to spend some time with the photo albums later.” She winked, throwing an arm around Rafael’s shoulders. “Just the two of us.”

Relenting, Val lead them upstairs to Sonny’s old bedroom, a time capsule from his school years. A crucifix was mounted to the wall above the bed, and a statue of Our Lady of Grace stood atop the dresser, with a rosary looped around her praying hands. Their bags had been deposited at the foot of the bed by Dominick, who’d presumably returned to his station out back by the grill.

The walls were covered with old posters, everything from the Star Wars prequels and The Lord of the Rings trilogy to conspicuous posters of Britney Spears and the Spice Girls on the inside of the open closet door. An autographed Mets poster from the 2000 National League championship was framed and hung over the desk, and several baseball caps hung from hooks over the closet. The only thing that wasn’t ripped straight from Sonny’s teen years was the full-sized bed, covered with a pale blue cotton chenille bedspread that looked like something from his grandma’s linen closet. 

“It’s so nice outside, we were just firing up the grill out back. Dom’s made some special cocktails for all of us. If you boys want to get settled and then come on out, we’ll probably have dinner ready to go in about twenty minutes. The girls should be here by then.” Val turned to leave, stopping in the doorway to smile at them. “I’m so happy to finally meet you, Rafael. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel at home here.”

She closed the door, leaving them alone in the relative quiet of Sonny’s old bedroom. An oscillating fan whirred steadily as it pushed the air around the room. The windows were flung wide open, allowing the sounds of the neighborhood to drift through. Someone down the street was mowing their lawn. Some kids were laughing and yelling. There was a radio playing in the backyard a few doors down. It sounded like summer. And it was a blessed moment of calm after absolute chaos.

Sonny shed his coat and obligingly helped Rafael out of his own, hanging them both in the closet and closing the door to hide the cheesy posters. He loosened his tie and pulled it over his head, looping it around the knob on the closet door. 

Standing in the middle of the room with his eyes closed, Rafael drew a long, cleansing breath, slowly exhaling. Only about 71 hours to go. He could do this.

“How you holding up so far?” Sonny ducked his head and cringed, anticipating the worst. “I know, they’re a lot.”

“They’re clearly your parents.” 

“That bad, eh?” With a laugh, Sonny plopped down on the edge of the bed. He kicked his shoes off and peeled off his socks, tossing them across the room at the hamper. He patted the spot beside him and winked knowingly. “They like you.”

Emboldened by their momentary privacy, Rafael very deliberately approached Sonny and straddled one of his thighs, draping his arms over Sonny’s shoulders. “I like _you_.”

“Oh yeah?” A slow smile spread over Sonny’s face. “Because I like you, too. A lot.”

Rafael was looking at him with a heavy-lidded gaze that made Sonny’s pulse quicken in response. It was warm in this second-floor bedroom, and they were both perspiring, but Rafael didn’t care. He wanted to taste the sweat glistening on Sonny’s skin, wanted to get away with everything he possibly could. He leaned closer, nuzzling at Sonny’s nose with his own, affectionately brushing his lips over it before pulling him into a kiss. 

They only had a few minutes to themselves, and this really couldn’t go anywhere, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try. The time crunch, the open windows, the threat of being caught in the act all conspired to lend a sense of danger and urgency to every touch they shared here and now. He was intoxicated with the smell of Sonny’s hair product, and the hint of cologne he’d dabbed behind his ears. 

More than that, he was intoxicated with their surroundings, with being here with Sonny in a place that represented his life before they’d met. It was an invitation to greater intimacy, a blurring of the lines that separated his personal life from his family life -- a distinction Rafael understood all too well, having his own rigidly-entrenched boundaries in that area. And now here they were, dismantling those boundaries. Or at least, some of them. There were some things Rafael still couldn’t say. And some things he absolutely could, without hesitation.

Between kisses, Rafael whispered hoarsely, “If we had more time, I’d fuck you right here and now.”

“If we had more time, I’d let you,” Sonny breathed against Rafael’s collarbone. He slid his hand lower over the growing bulge in his lover’s pants. He looked at the clock on the bedside table and nodded decisively. “We’ve got about fifteen minutes. Let me up. I’m gonna lock the door.”

Dazed but wickedly surprised, Rafael felt a surge of arousal. He didn’t want to move, wanted Sonny to keep touching him, but locking the door was probably wise. He slid off Sonny’s lap and began undressing, carefully draping most of his clothes over the back of the desk chair. His boxer briefs were unceremoniously dropped and kicked aside.

With a flourish, Sonny turned the latch in the door, shrugging off his vest and dress shirt as he hurried back toward the bed. He pressed his lips to Rafael’s ear, whispering hotly, “The way you’ve been lookin’ at me… you’ve got me all worked up. I’ve been thinking about sucking your cock since we left Manhattan.”

Rafael whimpered involuntarily. Somehow, Sonny’s filthy mouth always caught him off guard, like a jolt of electricity that ran straight through all his erogenous zones, lighting up every cell in his body with pure, unadulterated lust. He took a seat on the edge of the bed, gazing up at Sonny as though in a trance. 

Kneeling beside the bed, Sonny took his lover’s erection in hand, giving it a few long, slow strokes. Staring at it with something approaching reverence, he murmured, “You’re already so fucking hard for me. I wasn’t the only one thinking about this in the cab, huh?”

It wasn’t a question that needed an answer, but Rafael hummed softly. It could be taken as agreement with the question before him, or as an expression of the exquisite pleasure already threatening to overwhelm his senses. Either would be equally valid. 

“God, I wish I had time to make this last, but I want to make you come.” Sonny’s voice was low and hoarse with longing. “Think you can do that for me, without making a sound?”

Momentarily robbed of all intelligible speech, Rafael nodded his wholehearted agreement. It was so hard to think clearly when Sonny was looking at him with those intense blue eyes, his hand rhythmically gliding up and down the whole time, coaxing the first glistening droplets from Rafael’s aching erection. 

He meant to ask, _“What about you?”_ but the words got stuck somewhere between his brain and his mouth, tangled up in his rapidly increasing need for release. There was a fleeting impulse to trade places, or at least offer it, but then Sonny’s mouth closed around Rafael’s cock, and what little sensible thought he had left was focused on stifling the moans welling up in him.

He gripped tightly at the chenille bedspread, his knuckles white with the effort to stay quiet. It wasn’t easy, with Sonny’s lips and tongue doing their utmost to elicit a reaction. Rafael wanted Sonny’s name in his mouth, wanted to pierce the oppressive silence with a long, guttural shout of sheer fucking delight. It would be so easy to let go and moan. But he couldn’t do that, so he dug his fingers into Sonny’s hair, gripping tightly as a knot of heat began to build in his belly, the pressure almost too much to take. 

_“Boys! Dinner’s ready!”_

“Goddammit.” Rafael groaned quietly. They’d known it was a race against time when they started this, but still. He was so close, and he wanted it so badly it hurt. He needed a few minutes, maybe more, but the mood was already shattered, and Sonny had already stopped sucking Rafael’s dick. 

It was going to be a long evening.

Murmuring an apology, Sonny pulled away from him. He pressed a kiss to Rafael’s cheek and ran his hands through his hair to make himself presentable as he went to the window. He waved down to Val, who was looking up at the second story window with one hand raised to protect her eyes from the sun. “Be right down, Ma. Just changing outta our work clothes.” 

Sonny turned away from the window and flashed a grin at Rafael, who had flopped back on the bed in a fit of mingled melodrama and thwarted lust. “I wish you coulda seen your face just now. I thought you were gonna burst a blood vessel.”

“The night is young. I still might.” Pouting, he gestured vaguely at his disgruntled, waning erection. 

“Believe me, I’ve had a tentpole this whole time. I feel your pain.” Sonny scooped up Rafael’s boxer briefs and tossed them toward him. “I promise, I’ll take such good care of you later, you won’t even remember how bad it sucked to be cockblocked by my mother.”

“Bold promise.” With lazy affection, Rafael stretched a foot toward Sonny, his half-hearted attempt at a kick turning into a gentle poke. “Hand me my pants. It’s hot in here and I’m too tired and horny to get them myself.”

“You know you’re gonna have to get up anyway, right? We need to go downstairs.” Sonny hoisted a suitcase onto the bed, pushing it toward Rafael. “Change into something casual. I’m gonna need to see your ass in shorts.”

**********

It only took a few minutes for them to wash up and change their clothes. Sonny opted for baggy cargo shorts and a faded blue Captain America t-shirt, which Rafael quietly declared “unsurprising.” Rafael changed into khaki chino shorts and a salmon pink polo shirt, the latter explicitly requested by Sonny because “that color makes your eyes look crazy green.” Thus attired and ready to blend in with the neighborhood, they traipsed downstairs and into the backyard.

“We were starting to think you weren’t going to join us.” Val got up from her lawn chair to meet Sonny and Rafael as they stepped outside. Brow furrowed with concern, she raised a hand to Sonny’s forehead. “Are you feeling alright? You look flushed.”

Sonny ignored Rafael’s pointed look. “I’m fine, Ma. It’s hot upstairs and I was wearing a three piece suit.” 

“I told your father to turn on the air conditioner but you know how he is.”

“I know, I know. _‘Memorial Day kicks off summer,’_ and he doesn’t like to use the air until then. But it’s hot now.”

“Sweetheart, this is a conversation I have had with him every year for forty years, and he has yet to budge. You’re welcome to argue with him about it. Or better yet, have Rafael complain about the heat. Maybe he’ll listen to him.”

“Your confidence in my powers of persuasion is duly noted.” Rafael smirked at Val. “If the subject comes up, I’ll see what I can do.”

She led them to the picnic table and handed them plates. Grilled chicken, vegetable kebabs, and a Caprese salad made up the main course, accompanied by a crusty loaf of Italian bread. A large bowl of fresh fruit salad stood at the far end of the table. “Nothing too fancy tonight. Now Rafael, I won’t twist your arm, but I’d love it if you tried my homemade bread. Just baked it this afternoon! Oh, and Dom made this delicious lemonade with gin and fresh basil from our garden. I mean, the basil is from our garden. We don’t grow our own gin.”

“Ma, how much of that have you already had?” 

“What, the lemonade? Just a glass, honey. There’s plenty for you and Rafael.” Val patted Rafael’s arm and gave it a squeeze. She pushed them toward the food. “I’ll pour for you, if you’d like.”

“Yes, please,” Rafael said. He was a fairly social creature, but there was something about the volume and rapidity of speech in this family that was more than a little overwhelming in this suburban setting. Plate and glass filled, he made his way to a cluster of lawn chairs and claimed one with a low table beside it. “Val, you mentioned the rest of the family was coming. Any word from them?”

“They’re on their way, and should be here any minute. Gina called to say she might be a bit late, but--”

“Oh, you don’t say.” Sonny rolled his eyes. He took the chair beside Rafael’s and set his drink down on the table between them. “What Ma isn’t telling you is that Gina has been late to everything since the day she was born.”

Val nodded vigorously, eager to talk about one of her favorite subjects. “Two weeks past her due date! It wasn’t until the doctor said we might have to induce, she decided it was time to make her grand entrance.”

“At the time, we said, well, this one’s going to do things in her own time and in her own way,” Dom said, pausing to take another sip of lemonade. “Was that a self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t know. I suppose we went into things with a certain expectation, and sure enough, that expectation has been met with startling regularity.”

“A certain expectation, aka letting her get away with murder her entire life, because you’d already decided that was her destiny.” Sonny huffed his annoyance, and his parents, having fielded this complaint many times over the years, opted not to respond. 

A car honked its horn as it came up the block. Val let out a squeal and jumped up from her seat, rushing toward the front yard. Within moments, her voice was joined by several others laughing and chattering in the driveway.

Dominick, still seated and sipping from his glass, chuckled to himself. He caught Rafael’s eye and grinned conspiratorially. “I hope you enjoyed the peace and quiet while it lasted. You’re about to experience a genuine Carisi family gathering.”

“Oh boy.” Rafael’s eyebrows rose dramatically. It wasn’t that he’d never been around a boisterous family dynamic before. His extended family could bring the walls down with the volume of their voices. Hell, get her in the right mood, and his mother Lucia could do that all by herself. But this was different somehow. They were Sonny’s family, and already Rafael could see the ways they’d influenced this soft-hearted, deeply good man. It was a fascinating opportunity for insight into him. It was also a little terrifying, because everything about this felt like another step he’d always avoided with his lovers. Meeting the parents? Spending a holiday weekend with the whole family? How the hell had he agreed to any of this?

Sonny reached over the table between them to touch Rafael’s arm, narrowly avoiding knocking over their drinks in the process. He rubbed a few times until he caught Rafael’s eye, then squeezed gently and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He didn’t say a word, just sat there beaming warmth and affection, until Rafael softened a bit and smiled back. 

It was just like him, being so damnably attentive. Rafael didn’t know how he did it, but Sonny always seemed to know when he was slipping too deeply into his own thoughts, and managed to throw him a lifeline with a touch, a smile, a gently grounding reminder that he was there with Rafael. It worked every time.

_I love you._

He wanted to say it. It was there on the tip of Rafael’s tongue, and had been for a while now. But in moments like this, when Sonny looked at him with so much warmth in his eyes, it was unrelenting. He sensed that Sonny was waiting for him to say it first. There’d been a few moments in recent weeks, when Rafael had almost said the words. But he held it in, and the moments passed, and here he was, staring silently at Sonny. 

It wasn’t the time. Not with Dominick sitting nearby, babbling about the new raised garden beds they’d planted, or with Val and a gaggle of chattering Carisis coming around the side of the house. 

“Are you kidding me with that face? Bring me that baby _immediately._ ” Sonny set his plate aside and extended grabby hands toward the plump baby in his mother’s arms. 

Laughing, Val crossed the lawn and reluctantly handed over her granddaughter Sofia. “Just for a minute, then she needs her Nonna.” 

“I swear to god, you two, I don’t know who’s worse with the baby fever,” Bella teased, leaning down to hug Sonny. She pressed a quick kiss to Sofia’s cheek and said, “You’re welcome to hold her for as long as you like, you big goof.”

Looking like he’d just won the lottery, Sonny grinned at Rafael, turning the baby toward him. “Can you believe these cheeks? Look at this face.” He pressed his face against Sofia’s, laughing as her rosy cheek squished into his. 

Generally speaking, Rafael felt awkward around children. It wasn’t that he disliked them, necessarily. But they were, without exception, messy little things. And he didn’t quite know how to relate to them, and tended to slip into one of two modes: talk to them as he would an adult, or avoid them as though his life depended upon it.

Despite all that, Rafael couldn’t help but be charmed by Sonny’s unabashed delight in his niece. He radiated joy, snuggling and smooching this tiny blond blob of dough. Rafael offered an encouraging smile, and reached over to poke at the baby’s fat cheek. “She looks like a real, live kewpie doll.” 

“You wanna hold her? She’s a sweetie.” 

Shaking his head, Rafael squeezed Sonny’s arm. “You have her hypnotized. I’d hate to break the spell.” 

As the rest of the family sat down to eat, Dominick sauntered over with the pitcher of spiked lemonade, topping off glasses and happily playing host. “Rafael, did you meet Teresa and Mia yet? Mia’s the one with the phone three inches from her face.” 

“Mia’s the one who is putting her phone away now so I don’t have to put it away for her… _for two weeks._ ” Teresa side-eyed her daughter and waited for the phone to disappear into a pocket, then she put on a broad smile and waved at Rafael. “We’ve talked on the phone, but it’s nice to finally meet you, Rafael.”

“It’s so overdue, isn’t it?” Val pulled a chair over to sit near Sonny, cooing at the baby as she settled in. “It feels like we’ve been hearing about Rafael for… what is it, Dom, a year?”

“Oh, I’d say it’s at least a year and a half of _‘Barba, Barba, Barba,’_ ” Dom chuckled to himself. He leaned toward Rafael as though confiding in him. “I thought he was talking about someone named Barbara for the longest time.”

“Dad, I specifically told you it was the ADA you’d seen on the news,” Sonny said with a hint of irritation. “And you said--”

_“That guy? He looks way outta your league.”_

The family laughed and cheered, greeting a petite blond in platform sandals as she dropped an overstuffed tote bag in an empty chair. She had the Carisi nose and coloring, although her blond hair didn’t look entirely natural. Her shoes put her close to Val’s height. She hugged Dominick and Val, and smiled over at Rafael. “Hey, I’m Gina.”

Sonny glanced at his watch and gave a grudging nod of approval. “Credit where credit’s due. You beat the ETA by at least 45 minutes.”

“An ETA calculated by a grump who needs to knock it off and give his sister a hug,” Gina tugged at Sonny’s arm. “And let me at that baby already.”

Sonny eased up out of his chair and allowed his sister to hug him. “Sit down, I don’t trust those shoes if you’re gonna hold Sofia.” 

“When did you become such an old nag?” Gina rolled her eyes and plopped down in his newly-vacated chair. “Satisfied?”

“Whatever, just be careful, okay?” With some hesitation, Sonny handed the baby to his sister. “Sofia likes to be held like this, so she can see over your shoulder, see? She’s already got her eyes on the world out there, ready for adventure.”

**********

It was past midnight when everyone said goodnight and drifted off to their bedrooms. The subject of air conditioning had not been broached with Dominick, so the second floor was still warm, but there was a cross breeze coming in through the bedroom windows.

Sonny folded down the chenille bedspread several times until it was neatly draped across the foot of the bed. He’d stripped down to his boxer briefs, and was still complaining about the heat. “It makes no sense at all. It’s an arbitrary line of demarcation, insisting on waiting until Memorial Day to use the air conditioning. I should just refuse to come out until the air is on.” 

“You’ll be fine once you lie down. Turn off the light and come to bed.” Rafael lay on his side, head propped on his hand, watching Sonny pace the room. He patted the open side of the bed and said, “Or I could just sprawl out over the whole thing, and you can sleep on the couch.”

“You and I both know that ain’t happening.” With a dismissive little huff, Sonny turned off the light. The soft glow of the waning moon streamed in through the back window, casting enough light for him to make his way across the room to the bed. He slipped under the thin flat sheet, tugging at the bottom edge to free it from the bedspread, poking his toes out at the end. He sighed with grudging contentment. “It’s not your big fancy bed, but this isn’t so bad, despite the heat. Imagine how cozy it’ll be, snuggling up under a heap of blankets at Christmas time.” 

“Can we maybe get through _this_ holiday weekend before making plans for Christmas?” 

“Oh, like it’s such a chore for you to have my entire family fawning all over you. You’ve got Ma wrapped around your little finger, and my father is practically ready to declare you his new best friend. And I can tell my sisters think you’re the bee’s knees.” Sonny grinned and hooked a possessive leg over Rafael’s hips, tugging him closer. He dropped his voice and added, “You just have a way of making people care about you, Rafi. You know?”

“Hm, I think you’re projecting.” Rafael ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair, brushing back a few stray silvery strands from his face. “From what I saw, you’re clearly everyone’s favorite.”

 _“Excuse me?”_ From the bedroom next door, Gina’s voice came through the window. There was a quiet scuffling sound and a door opened, followed by a knock at their bedroom door. 

With an annoyed groan, Sonny got up to unlock the door. Gina stood there in a long t-shirt, her tousled hair pulled back in a low ponytail. She pushed in past her brother and sat on the edge of the bed. “Two things. First, for the record, yes, I will grant that he’s always been Mama’s little baby, but I’ve always been Dad’s favorite.”

Amused, Rafael nodded encouragingly. “Fair enough. I was speaking more generally.”

“Right. And that brings me to the second thing. I’m right next door, and with the windows open, I can hear everything. Like, every single thing you say. And _everything_.” She bounced on the bed a little, making it squeak. “If I were in my room right now, I’d still have heard that.”

“Okay, we get it. We’ll make sure to say nothing but nice things about you.” Sonny rolled his eyes. “Rafael, have I told you about my sister Gina? She’s awesome.”

“Ha ha. Cute. You know what I meant. But I’m glad you think I’m awesome, you meatball.” With evident affection, Gina gently punched her brother’s arm, then looked over at Rafael. “You must be a glutton for punishment.”

“Something like that.” Stifling a yawn, Rafael glanced at the alarm clock and adjusted his pillow.

“Fine.” Gina took the hint and leapt up, pausing in the doorway to address Rafael. “Oh, and third… I never said you were the bee’s knees. I said you’re a _peach_. G’night.”

Sonny shooed her out the door with a firm, “G’night, Gina.” 

He slipped back into bed and smiled at Rafael. Conscious of his sister's advice, he kept his voice low. “I know it’s probably not how you wanted to spend the long weekend, but this means a lot to me.”

“It just so happens all my other, much more interesting plans fell through.” Rafael’s tone was light and teasing, but his expression conveyed nothing but affection. His fingertips began tracing random, rhythmic patterns on Sonny’s bare, smooth, wonderfully touchable chest. 

Sonny shivered and scooted a little closer to Rafael, resting a hand on his hip and gently squeezing his bottom. “Well, if you’d rather be back at your place, working on case files, I’ll totally understand. I could call you a cab.” 

“Oh, I don’t know. This weekend could still turn out alright,” Rafael murmured, slowly easing Sonny’s underwear down his legs. He wrapped his fingers around Sonny’s cock, teasing it to firm readiness. “Besides, I don’t mind being bored occasionally.”

“Is that right? Am I boring you, Rafael?” Sonny whispered against his ear, his fingers tracing the cleft between Rafael’s buttocks. 

“No, but you could if you wanted to.”

Sonny pulled back slightly to meet Rafael’s gaze, an eager, inquisitive gleam in his eye. “Are you saying what I… you want that?”

Rafael lifted the edge of his pillow, revealing a condom and small bottle of lube. “I do. Unless…”

“No, no, I do too. You just usually don’t.” 

“Call it a special occasion.” Rafael was already wriggling out of his boxers. He kicked them out from under the sheet while Sonny closed the windows. 

“It’s gonna get hot as hell in here, but the last thing I need is Gina providing color commentary,” Sonny muttered as he climbed back into bed. He reached for Rafael, trailing appreciative fingers down his soft chest and belly. “Hey, there.”

“Hey, yourself. C’mere.” 

Without waiting for a response, Rafael wrapped an arm around Sonny and pulled him into a kiss. He was already throbbing with need, his cock reawakened and rigid with unspent arousal. After an evening of small talk about work and babies and the Mets, all peppered with the Carisi family’s particular brand of inside jokes, Rafael wanted to blot out everything but the feel of Sonny’s body against his. He wanted Sonny’s hands all over him, wanted to be stretched and filled and fucked until he collapsed from exhaustion. Most of all, he wanted Sonny to know, without question, how very much he cared for him. 

Rafael had Sonny’s cock in his hand, exerting tremendous effort to keep his strokes slow, building toward an intensity that matched that of their kisses. He nibbled and licked his way down Sonny’s neck, kissing a path over the nearly hairless expanse of his chest. He traced a circle around the pebbled pinkness of a nipple, flicking his tongue over it and gently suckling. 

“Jesus, Raf, your mouth will be the end of me,” Sonny breathed, gasping as Rafael sucked harder, grazing the edge of his teeth over the sensitive flesh. 

Eager to taste more of him, Rafael moved lower, nuzzling his way down Sonny’s belly, his lips and tongue caressing his balls. He bit at Sonny’s inner thigh, sucking a mouthful of flesh just hard enough to leave a purpled mark that only Rafael would ever see. The neck and chest were off-limits for this sort of thing, but the soft, sensitive flesh of their upper thighs was mutually agreed upon as fair game. Sonny’s cock twitched every time Rafael closed his mouth over another bit of skin, every time he felt Rafael’s hot breath on him.

Rafael looked up at Sonny, licking a stripe up the underside of his rigid erection. “So... are you gonna fuck me or what?”

Swearing under his breath, Sonny rolled Rafael onto his back, eagerly kissing him. He pressed a lubed finger between Rafael’s buttocks, gaining easy entrance. He added another finger, and then another, with little effort. “Now I know why you took so long getting ready for bed… You really wanted this tonight, didn’t you?” 

“Been thinking about it for a while now, yeah.” 

Sonny tore into the condom packet and quickly rolled it into place. “Tell me what you thought about. I want to hear it.”

Rafael drew a shaky breath. “I thought about you… inside me. Touching me.”

“Oh yeah?” Sonny slipped his fingers back inside Rafael, stretching him and watching his reaction. “Like this?”

“Mmhmm.”

“How about this?” Curling his fingers up, Sonny gently stroked until Rafael gasped and breathed out a stream of profanities. “What else?”

Rafael forced his eyes open and looked at Sonny. “I thought about how big your dick is, and what it would feel like to have that fucking thing pushed up inside me.”

“You want me to fuck you.” He wasn’t even asking anymore. Sonny pressed himself against Rafael’s asshole, applying just enough pressure to slide the tip inside him. Rafael inhaled sharply, and Sonny hesitated, worried he’d hurt him. “Too much? We don’t have to--”

“No, I just need a moment to breathe. It’s like I said… you have a big dick.” 

“Look who’s talkin’.” Sonny gently tugged at Rafael’s substantial erection, watching his face for cues before doing anything else. When he nodded up at him, Sonny eased in a little more, his thrusts slow and careful as he tested Rafael’s limits. 

It was torturous, but so fucking good. Rafael hadn’t done this in a very, very long time, but he loved the sensation, and could already feel himself surrendering to it. There was something thrilling in the rarity of this experience, the vulnerability he so seldom showed to anyone. He wanted Sonny to give him something only he could give, something Rafael didn’t want from anyone else. 

“More,” Rafael whispered hoarsely. “Fuck me, Sonny. Fuck me harder.”

With an audible sigh of relief, Sonny thrust more deeply, until he was buried in Rafael. He began driving harder and faster, rivulets of sweat running down his face as he exerted himself in the stifling heat of the closed-up bedroom. “You feel so fucking good, Rafael.”

Rafael loved the way Sonny said his name, as though he were performing an act of devotion with every syllable. It was oddly musical, sending a thrill of excitement through him, body and soul. He loved the way Sonny looked at him, at once passionate and tender, adoring and animalistic. He loved watching his beautiful face, his brow furrowed with effort, his hair soaked with perspiration. Rafael’s body responded to everything about Sonny with an ever-increasing ache, a tight knot of heat that was spiraling toward release.

Sonny leaned down and kissed Rafael, hard and deep, then scooped Rafael’s legs up, gripping them for leverage. Once he found the angle that made Rafael whine his name, he picked up the pace, panting raggedly as his thrusts became urgent. “Rafael, I…”

There it was again, that voice, wrapped around Rafael’s name like a prayer. It was enough to tip Rafael over the edge, erupting hot and slick between them. With a few more feverish thrusts, Sonny joined him, surrendering to the orgasm he’d barely held at bay in deference to his lover.

Still panting, he gave himself a minute to catch his breath, pressing gentle kisses to Rafael’s legs even as he continued to cling to them for support. He gazed adoringly at Rafael and asked, “Was that what you wanted?”

How could he put into words the ways Sonny met his needs without even trying? The ways he seemed to know instinctively what would make Rafael feel complete and alive and more deeply satisfied than he’d ever thought possible? Smiling softly, he simply nodded and said, “That was perfect.”

Carefully tying off the condom, Sonny wrapped it in tissues and tossed it in the wastebasket. He did his best to clean up the sticky mess on Rafael’s belly, adding the tissues to the trash and muttering, “I’m gonna need to take that out in the morning or my mother will be scandalized.”

Rafael chuckled sleepily. “I’m sure she knows you and I have sex.”

“Sure, but that’s a theoretical thing, not a wastebasket full of jizz.”

“Lovely.” Rafael closed his eyes and rolled onto his side, amused, exhausted, and deeply content. 

Sonny picked up his underwear and slipped them on. “Be right back.” He crept across the room and listened at the door for a few seconds before unlocking it and slipping out into the hall. He was only gone a minute or two, and reappeared with a freshly washed face and combed hair. He opened the windows again, and stood in front of the fan to cool off after his exertion. 

The moon had continued its journey across the sky, leaving the room darker than before. Through half-closed eyes, Rafael could still see him standing there, beautiful and pale by the window. He wondered if he had ever known a moment so perfect, and even as the thought wafted through his mind, Rafael knew he had not. He’d had lovers before, but nothing in his life had prepared him for this.

 _This is love,_ he thought, closing his eyes. He never wanted to forget this moment, this feeling. 

As he settled back into bed, Sonny reached over to touch Rafael, fingertips tenderly carding through his hair. It was a soothing gesture, hypnotic and deeply relaxing, and Rafael could feel himself being lulled to sleep.

Almost inaudibly, Sonny murmured, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, I really don’t.” 

Rafael kept his eyes closed, his heart too full to say a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, look. Let's get this out of the way up front. We don't have a ton to work with in terms of back story about Sonny's parents. With so much room to play, I went all in on my own loving, supportive head canon about Sonny's family. There may be some allusions to past struggles with coming to terms with their son's sexuality in one of the upcoming chapters, but I like to think his family accepted and embraced his identity years ago. Not every devout Catholic family is sexually repressed and horrible, and I choose to explore this possibly idealized vision of familial support and acceptance, because fuck it. That's the world I want to see. It's the world I want to be true for all of us, LGBTQ or not. But I'll fully admit, I'm kind of partial to seeing happy families for folks like me.
> 
> Some side notes... I have very specific people in mind as templates for Val and Dominick Sr., as well as Gina. You may have already figured out one or two of these.
> 
> Valeria is based on Valerie Bertinelli, because she is CUTE AS HELL and has a smile like Sonny's. I aged her by just a few years and gave her blue eyes to make it work. Dom is based on my beloved Jeff Goldblum, and that's really all I have to say about that. It's okay if you don't share my vision of greatness for this family. ;-) And Gina... the sister who's been engaged repeatedly? I definitely was thinking of a certain pop singer of Italian-American descent. She has a great nose, and a great face, and I can totally picture a very familial, Carisi vibe with her. Also, I love her and want to marry her, so there's that.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my story. It always means so much to me to hear what you thought of the nonsense that's been inhabiting my head for the last several weeks. I appreciate this beautiful little fandom and love that we are still doing this despite the direction the show took in recent years. These boys still love each other, and they're still very much a thing, at least in my heart. Love and hugs to my darling fellow Barisi writers. You all inspire me!


	2. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael was all too keenly aware of his own imperfections. He could be prickly, or as Sonny liked to say, “kind of a grump.” He was a workaholic, bringing his files home from the office more often than not, sometimes utterly consumed by the outrage he felt over the particulars of a case. It was hard to let go of that kind of single-mindedness at the end of the day, even when he tried. When he was tired, or frustrated, he was quick to lapse into sarcasm, which could lead him to say things he would immediately regret. And, as he was all too keenly aware, he struggled to express his feelings for Sonny in clear and unmistakable terms. His issues with intimacy had made him resistant to meeting Sonny’s family for months, and in retrospect, he’d been an ass about it. 
> 
> Still, he hadn’t managed to drive Sonny away. Yet. So that was something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: There are references to past domestic violence/abuse, homophobia, and religious-based trauma in this chapter.

The sun was barely visible over the horizon, and Sonny was sprawled out on his back, snoring. The thin top sheet was tangled around him, and his hair was a rumpled mess, the result of a night of tossing and turning in a too-warm bedroom. He’d been restless until just before dawn, when it cooled off enough to allow for sleep. The bedroom was pleasant enough now, although it would be less so as the sun climbed higher in the sky. 

Rafael was wide awake. He was no good at sleeping in unfamiliar places, not for the first night or two, anyway. Sheer exhaustion had allowed him to catch a few hours of sleep before the dawn’s first tentative rays joined forces with the insistent singing of the neighborhood’s mockingbirds to drag him inexorably into the new day. He couldn’t bear to rouse his lover just yet, so he rolled onto his side, contemplating the gentle, rhythmic rise and fall of Sonny’s bare chest. 

It was the greatest gift in the world, to be allowed to witness moments like this, seeing him wholly unguarded and trusting in his sleep. Not that Sonny was a particularly guarded man; at least, not by Rafael’s standards. Life with Sonny felt like a constant call to examine his own capacity for vulnerability, something Rafael had spent much of his life resisting. Letting someone get close, letting them in past your defenses meant personally providing them with an arsenal that could be used against you. 

Growing up, he’d seen firsthand the vicious ways his father wielded love as a weapon capable of dismantling any defenses Rafael and his mother might try to erect, leaving them vulnerable to his cruel words and explosive, alcohol-fueled rages. Years and years of walking on eggshells, trying to please him, trying to stay on his good side, and in the end, all either of them had to show for it were scars, physical and emotional, and the memories of too many half-hearted declarations of love hastily slapped over their wounds like an off-brand bandage with inadequate adhesive. Deep down, they always knew the bandage wouldn’t stay put. And yet they still clung to hope that maybe this time he meant it, this time he’d change, this time it would stick. It never did. 

A lifetime of lessons learned the hard way wasn’t easy to shake. Time’s alleged healing powers were grossly overstated.

And yet.

Here he was, lying beside someone whose entire outlook could best be described as a gauntlet thrown down in a challenge, daring him to feel deeply, to believe that not all love was like that. Every day spent with Sonny challenged Rafael to believe that it was possible to be loved by someone who was truly kind and tender-hearted.

It wasn’t easy. There were days when he still panicked. Old habits of self-preservation had a nasty way of creeping in and reminding Rafael they were still there if he needed them. Sometimes it felt safer to shut Sonny out. But when he did, he always hated himself, because he couldn’t help but think Sonny deserved someone who didn’t have to make a conscious choice _every single day_ to trust him.

As hard as it was some days, Rafael knew without question he wanted to be right here with him, because Sonny was worth the effort. He was a bewildering mess of contradictions and weirdness, too smart for his own good but capable of saying the most ridiculous shit Rafael had ever heard. Somehow everything about him was beautiful, and inspired something in Rafael that felt pure, and almost holy, or would be if he believed in holiness. Like Cymon of old, transformed in every way by the exquisite sight of sleeping Iphigenia, Rafael found himself similarly transformed; ennobled by the nearness of Sonny Carisi, someone so decent, so kind, so truly beautiful inside and out that it would have been a sacrilege not to strive to be a better man.

He reached over and stroked a wayward lock of silver from Sonny’s forehead, then pressed a soft kiss to the same spot. 

Stirring, Sonny cracked an eye open and smiled sleepily at him. “Hey, there.”

“Hey.”

“Since when are you up at the crack of dawn on a weekend?”

“You know I sleep better at home. I’m fine.” He waved off the question, propping up on one elbow to smile down at Sonny. “Besides, how can I be expected to sleep when you’re lying here looking like this?”

“Flatterer.” Sonny rolled over and pulled the sheet up over his face in a futile attempt to block out the sunlight. “Gimme a few more minutes, okay? I was in the middle of a real nice dream about you.”

“I’m not sure if I should be gratified or insulted that you’d rather spend time with Dream Me.”

“Only when I’m dog tired because it was too damn hot in here, and someone wore me out last night.” Sonny reached out from under the sheet and patted Rafael’s hand. “I promise, I still like Real You best. Now lemme sleep, will ya?”

“Fine, but I’ll need details on that dream later.” With an affectionate smirk, Rafael acquiesced. It was a holiday weekend, after all.

He pulled on a t-shirt and boxers, and secured his bathrobe around himself before quietly slipping out into the hallway. 

The aroma of coffee enticed him downstairs, toward the kitchen. Val was perched at the breakfast bar on a high stool, coffee cup in hand, munching on a pastry. Her hair was pulled up in a thick ponytail, and she wore a baggy blue t-shirt over yoga pants. There was something in her resting facial expression that reminded him of Sonny, if he were a short, slightly plump woman with a heart-shaped face. Perhaps it wasn’t the features so much as the sweet disposition animating them. 

“Good morning,” Rafael began, trying not to sound nervous. Despite the robe, he was suddenly mortifyingly aware of his relative state of undress, and wondered whether he should have put on actual pants before he came downstairs. “I hope I’m not intruding. I, uh… I’d have dressed, but I didn’t--”

“Nonsense, you’re not intruding at all. Pull up a chair. You want some coffee? Room for cream, right?” Val hopped down and opened a cupboard, grabbing a large red mug. Filling it three quarters full, she set out a sugar bowl and pint of half and half on the counter before him, and handed him the coffee cup. “I hope you boys weren’t too uncomfortable last night. Gina mentioned how hot it was up there.”

“I slept like a baby, once Sonny stopped complaining.” 

Val smiled, and for a moment her eyes took on a faraway look that hinted at a lifetime of stories she could tell about her only son. “He was always sensitive to the heat. Sensitive in lots of ways, I guess. But that’s what we love about him, right?”

Gulping down a scalding sip of coffee, Rafael allowed himself to relax a little. “Yeah. That and his, er, way with words.” 

“Oh you,” Val giggled, putting an arm around his shoulders for a quick squeeze. “Can I just say what a treat this is, getting to know you after all this time? Sonny’s talked you up so much, I have to admit I was a little skeptical that anyone could possibly live up to that much hype.”

“Trust me, I share your skepticism.” Rafael was all too keenly aware of his own imperfections. He could be prickly, or as Sonny liked to say, “kind of a grump.” He was a workaholic, bringing his files home from the office more often than not, sometimes utterly consumed by the outrage he felt over the particulars of a case. It was hard to let go of that kind of single-mindedness at the end of the day, even when he tried. When he was tired, or frustrated, he was quick to lapse into sarcasm, which could lead him to say things he would immediately regret. And, as he was all too keenly aware, he struggled to express his feelings for Sonny in clear and unmistakable terms. His issues with intimacy had made him resistant to meeting Sonny’s family for months, and in retrospect, he’d been an ass about it. 

Still, he hadn’t managed to drive Sonny away. Yet. So that was something.

“He has a tendency toward idealizing the people he admires. He always has. It’s a beautiful thing, really.” Val hesitated a moment, then added, “I mean… don’t get me wrong. He’s seen too much of the world -- how cruel it can be, you know? He’s not naive. It’s just…”

“He chooses to see the best in people, whether they deserve it or not.” 

“Yeah. I sometimes wonder how he ended up like that.”

“I don’t.” Rafael patted Val’s arm, mentally retracting every cranky, uncharitable comment he’d made about meeting Sonny’s family. He couldn’t have known they’d be like this, could he? 

“Anyway. It’s nice to know I didn’t need to worry.” She slid the platter of pastries toward Rafael, as though she were officially declaring her approval with an offering of homemade baked goods. “I see the way you look at him.” 

He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he sipped his coffee instead, and selected a golden brown cornetto from the platter. He’d tried one of Mama Carisi’s famous cornetti before, maybe a month back, after Sonny returned from a weekend with the family. But even as he’d praised the texture and flavor of the pastry, using every superlative available to him in the moment, Sonny had assured him it couldn’t hold a candle to the experience of eating one fresh from the oven. Now he understood. It was still warm, tender and a little flaky yet toothsome, with a hint of citrus that played beautifully with the almond paste filling. It was sweet but not too sweet, with a richness to it that made his next sip of coffee even more enjoyable than usual. He let out an approving groan. 

Val beamed proudly at him. “Worth getting up for, am I right?”

Eyes closed as he savored the next bite, Rafael nodded. He could get used to this.

**********

“You gonna sleep the day away, sunshine?”

Rafael set two coffee cups down on the bedside table, and planted a smooch on Sonny’s cheek. Humming a Gershwin tune, he hoisted his suitcase onto the bed, unzipped it, and flipped it open onto Sonny’s hip. 

“Heyyy,” Sonny cracked an eye to peer at Rafael. “Watch where you’re floppin’ that thing around. You could’ve damaged something vital.”

“I would never.” 

He pulled open a dresser drawer and began unpacking his suitcase, setting aside his toiletry bag and a clean outfit for the day. 

“You plannin’ on moving in?”

“No, but I don’t like living out of a suitcase, even if it’s only for a few days. Do you have anything you want me to hang up?” Rafael was already lugging Sonny’s suitcase over to unpack it for him.

“Uh… just my church outfit for tomorrow, so it’s not too wrinkly. I’d never hear the end of it from Ma.” Sonny sat up, leaning against the headboard and scratching at his stubbly jaw. “Did you remember to pack something for church?”

Pursing his lips, Rafael quirked an eyebrow at him. “I don’t believe we discussed church when I agreed to this weekend.”

“You know I like to go with my family when I’m here.”

“Yes, of course. And I fully expect you to do so, while I stay here and work on the crossword puzzle. That’s what we do on Sunday mornings.” With a twinkle in his eye, he added, “As for our usual Sunday afternoon activities…”

“Thank you for not wanting to play _strip Scrabble_ with my family.” Sonny reached for Rafael, kissing the back of his hand and clutching it to his bare chest. “Would it kill you to sit next to me at mass? You don’t have to take communion if you don’t want, but maybe you could at least… I dunno, sing along with the hymns? Exchange the sign of peace?”

Rafael could feel himself tensing up. He resisted the impulse to pull his hand free, but couldn’t quite keep the testy edge out of his voice as he replied, “I don’t need to be in a church to _wish peace_ to you, or anyone else.”

“I know. That’s not… the thing is, I just…,” Sonny’s voice trailed off as he looked away. His eyes lit on the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary standing on the dresser, her hands outstretched in a gesture of gentle benediction. He softened his tone and tried again. “It’d mean a lot to me, to be able to sit there with you at my side. The Church is an important part of my life. But so are you.“

“Sonny…,” Rafael sighed. Reluctantly, he pulled away, taking out his agitation on what was left of the unpacking. With trembling hands, he smoothed out Sonny’s church outfit before hanging it in the closet. It bought him a moment to compose his thoughts, and to steady his voice. “I’m glad you have this, for _you_. And I’m trying my best to support you here, while staying true to myself.”

“What are you not telling me? Talk to me, Rafael. Don’t shut me out.” 

“It’s… complicated.” An understatement, and not something he was prepared to elaborate upon. Even the thought of trying to explain filled him with an increasing sense of panic he was desperate to quell. This wasn’t the time or place for this conversation. He drew a deep breath, exhaling slowly in an attempt to steady his voice. “I wish I had the words to make you understand. Just… please, don’t ask me to go.”

“But Raf--”

“Goddammit, Sonny, _I can’t do it_!” Rafael snapped, raising his voice sharply. Sonny stared back at him with mingled confusion and pain in his eyes, then quickly looked away, embarrassed. 

Rafael didn’t like losing control, sounding so angry. He didn’t even know if that was the right word for it, and even if it was, he didn’t want to be angry. Not at Sonny, anyway. 

“I... I didn’t mean to raise my voice. Please forgive me.”

Cheeks flushed, Sonny nodded stiffly and picked up his coffee cup with a barely-suppressed frown. “Forget about it. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Rafael hated how small and mean he felt. He knew he’d disappointed Sonny, and wanted to hug him, or cradle his face and kiss the hurt away, but stood rooted in place with shame. “I’m sorry.”

It was inadequate, he knew, but it was all he could manage for the time being. 

Tucking the empty suitcases under the bed, Rafael picked up his toiletry bag and clothes, desperate for a shower and a few minutes to himself. Sonny was still just sitting there, deep in thought, clinging to his mug. 

“Hey, um,” Rafael started, trying valiantly to shake off the residual funk. “I’m going to get cleaned up and dressed. There are some almond cornetti in the kitchen, if you’re hungry. Val wouldn’t let me bring one up to you--”

“She doesn’t like people bringing food all over the house. Says it’ll give mice ideas.” Sonny looked up at him with a conciliatory half-smile on his face. “Coffee’s good for now. Thanks, Raf.”

**********

When Rafael emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed in crisp, dark grey shorts and an aquamarine polo shirt, he found the bedroom unoccupied and the bed made. He dropped his dirty clothes in the hamper and hung his robe on a hook on the door.

He wandered to the back window and peered out into the yard. It wasn’t huge, but it was bigger than most of the neighboring yards, with vegetable and herb gardens that covered the back third of it. Dom was out there, seated on the wooden timbers surrounding one of the beds, pulling weeds and talking to anyone who would listen. Sonny, wearing the same t-shirt and shorts from the day before, was up to his elbows in dirt, helping his father rearrange and level the soil in the garden beds. 

He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but every now and then both father and son would laugh, with uncannily similar abandon. They seemed to have an easy, affectionate relationship. Rafael found it fascinating to see a father and son engaging in good-natured teasing as they did. There wasn’t any ego on the line, nothing to prove; just love and mutual respect. 

It was beautiful, but it stung, too. He couldn’t begrudge Sonny his happiness, but for a fleeting moment Rafael wondered how different his life would have been, with a different sort of father, someone capable of affection, maybe even encouragement. Would he even be the same person? How much of who he was came from genetics and how much of it was the product of his upbringing? Either way, he would still be Rafael Barba, but maybe, given a chance, he’d have turned out less cynical... more trusting, more secure in his relationships. It felt unfair.

He could almost hear his mother’s oft-repeated, no-nonsense admonishment. ' _Who told you life was fair? The world doesn’t owe you anything, Rafi. Never forget that._ ' 

Lucia was right. Life wasn’t fair. He’d known that for a very long time now. It was part of what led him to pursue a career in public service, fighting to make the world a better place, one case at a time. This justice-centered life would have been unlikely to impress his father, but it was that life that mattered to him, and that brought him here.

As though he felt Rafael’s brooding gaze, Sonny looked up toward the window, shading his eyes with a grubby hand. Grinning broadly, he called out, “Hey, quit your lurkin’ already and get out here! You’ve gotta see these puppies Pop showed me. There’s one that looks just like you.”

Rafael shook off the mood and waved. He had too much to live for, to dwell too long on thoughts of the past. Determined to plant his feet firmly in the here and now, he stepped into his sandals and headed downstairs to join the family.

**********

Most of the Carisi family were in the backyard, enjoying what was shaping up to be a balmy, beautiful day. There was a pitcher of iced coffee on the picnic table, with a cooler full of ice stashed below. Val and Teresa had commandeered the baby, and were playing with her on a blanket spread out on the lawn. Every so often, Mia would join them, lounging on the blanket and poking at Sofia’s plump arms and belly until the baby shrieked with laughter.

Spotting an ideally situated, unclaimed chaise longue, Rafael set his book down on the seat and procured a glass of coffee. He was about to sit down when Dom beckoned him over to the garden with a gregarious hoot. Sonny was shoveling mulch from a wheelbarrow into a nearby raised bed, while Dom held court from his perch on the timber retaining wall. 

“You look like a man after my own heart, Rafael. Always dressed to impress, am I right?” Dom gestured at himself, his multicolored plaid Bermuda shorts and crisp, white camp shirt pristine and somehow untouched by garden soil. “Since I retired, I’ve become a great believer in indulging in sartorial pleasures. Makes me feel good, makes my lovely wife happy to see me.”

“I suspect she’d be happy to see you even if you wore a potato sack.”

“Well,” Dom flashed a coy grin and acknowledged the compliment with a slight dip of the head. “I do think she likes what I’ve got going on.”

“Show him the puppies, Pop.” Sonny stabbed the garden spade into the freshly-leveled soil, leaving it standing upright. He wiped his hands on his shirt as he approached Rafael, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to his lover’s cheek. “You know those French bulldogs, cute little faces, bodies like sausages? My cousin’s dog just had puppies, and--”

“Second cousin once removed,” Dom corrected as he navigated to the photos on his phone. 

Sonny rolled his eyes. “Maybe you can explain the entire family tree to Rafael over the next three days. Don’t leave out a single name.”

Ignoring his son’s needling, Dom turned his phone and handed it to Rafael. “Just swipe to the left to see all of them. They’re really something.” 

Rafael accepted the device and chuckled at the first picture, a cluster of three cream-colored French bulldog puppies snuggled up together in a pile. He swiped left past close-ups of several puppies until he reached a wider shot that included a very round puppy with a knowing, vaguely put-upon look on his face. Pursing his lips, Rafael looked up at Sonny, who was barely suppressing his amusement. “Let me guess…”

Sonny barked a laugh and clapped his hands together. “I told you.”

“I said to Sonny, this dog reminds me of someone - who does he remind me of?” Dom reached for the phone, zooming in on the dog’s face and turning the display toward Rafael. “You have to admit, he has your eyes.” 

Arching an eyebrow, Rafael nodded slightly. “He does have an air of intelligence about him.” 

“Oh, come on, Raf. Put him in a vest and tie, and it’s a perfect likeness.”

“Mark my words, that dog is destined for greatness.” With a satisfied sigh, Dom popped the phone back into his breast pocket. “He and his sisters still need a few weeks with their mama, but I’m sure they’ll go quickly.”

“I’m tempted to ask Sal to hold this little guy,” Sonny admitted. “He’s the only boy in the litter, like me.”

“Excuse me? I did not give birth to a litter of children,” an indignant Val piped up from halfway across the yard.

“Sorry, Ma.” Contrite, Sonny blew a kiss in her direction. “That’s not what I meant.”

“That’s my good boy.” Val reached up and caught the kiss, pressing it to her cheek. Satisfied, she returned her attention to the baby, who had removed one of her tiny sandals and was vigorously chewing on it. “I think little Miss Sofia has some teeth coming in. She kept Bella up half the night, fussing. So we’re letting mama rest this morning, aren’t we, baby girl?”

Babbling enthusiastically, Sofia drooled and shook the sandal at her grandmother. Val could only beam with pride.

“Hey, go squeeze those cheeks for me, will ya?” Sonny leaned in and gave Rafael a soft kiss. “I got a whole other bed to fill in back here before I’m done.” 

Rafael lingered for a moment, watching with appreciative eyes as Sonny scooped up mulch and distributed it over a section of the garden bed, smoothing it with the back of the spade. There was something fascinating in seeing him like this, with the sun beating down on his slender form, shirt soaked with sweat and covered with dirt. He wasn’t muscular by anything but the most generous of definitions, but he was eager to help his father out, and seemed surprisingly content doing manual labor. 

He looked around at the family, scattered as they were around the yard in cozy little clusters of domesticity. It wasn’t what he was used to, but it was unexpectedly comforting to be surrounded by the chattering and laughter of so many Carisis. 

On his way back to his shady reading nook, Rafael paused by Sofia to deliver a perfunctory squeeze to her cheeks. In a low, matter-of-fact tone, he said to her, “That’s from your Uncle Sonny.” 

Val swatted gently at his arm, all affection and warmth. “Nobody here would judge you for doting a little, too.”

Rafael looked around before giving Sofia’s cheeks another quick squish. 

“You didn’t see that.”

**********

Somehow, despite the abundance of distractions available, Rafael managed to read several chapters of a biography of his abuelita’s favorite singer, Benny Moré before being dragged out of his contented quietude.

Mia, bored with the baby, pulled up a lawn chair under the overhanging patio umbrella. She craned her neck to inspect the cover of the book in his hands. “Who’s Benny More?”

“ _Moré._ A Cuban singer.”

“I’ve never heard of him.”

“He’s dead.”

“Huh. So, is this what you usually do in your spare time? Read about dead guys?” 

“Something like that, yes.” 

“Cool.” She pulled her feet up onto the seat of the chair. “You ever read about like, vampires and stuff? Or just real people?”

Rafael cast a sideways glance at her. He couldn’t for the life of him understand how this was an actual conversation happening in his life. All he wanted to do was read his book, and he had a feeling he was about to be drawn into debating the relative merits of _Twilight_. “I had to read _Dracula_ when I was in school, but I can’t say I’ve made a habit of reading about vampires in recent years, no.”

Seemingly disappointed with that answer, she pulled out her phone and started scrolling. Rafael resisted the urge to audibly sigh with relief. His relief was short-lived.

“Are you and Sonny gonna get married?”

It came out of nowhere. Rafael wondered for a moment if he’d misheard. “ _What_?”

Without looking up, she reiterated the question, adding, “It’s legal, you know.”

“I know it’s legal. I’m an attorney.”

“So… are you?”

“That’s a very personal…,” he started, then stopped himself. This wasn’t even a conversation he was prepared to have with Sonny, let alone Sonny’s teenage niece. “For one thing, we haven’t even been together that--” 

“I heard Grandma talking to my mom about how you guys are practically married already.”

Rafael blinked. “We’re not even living together.”

“Why not? Don’t you want to?”

Mildly exasperated, Rafael looked at Mia, really looked at her for the first time since she’d joined him here in the shade. If she was trying to antagonize him, she didn’t look it. She seemed genuinely inquisitive, without a hint of malice, a combination that he was quickly realizing was a family trait. It was both annoying and a little disarming, and he found himself actually trying to formulate a thoughtful (if not entirely transparent) response to her questions. “This isn’t the sort of thing one enters into lightly, even when the feelings are there. _Especially_ when the feelings are there.”

A glimmer of understanding flitted across her features. “You like him enough that you don’t want to fuck it up.”

“You have a very _Carisi_ way with words.”

She shrugged. “I get that a lot.”

Sonny walked over, wiping his brow, the mingled dirt and perspiration leaving muddy streaks over his face. His hair, which was already a mess before he came outside, was somehow worse. 

“Hey.” With a gentle kick to the leg of Mia’s chair, he caught her attention. “Take a hike. I need to talk to Rafael.”

“Fine.” She rolled her eyes but got up, pushing past him with a familial shove. “You reek.”

“Go see if Grandpa needs a drink or something, will ya?” He made a move to hug her, causing her to yelp and run away.

Rafael peered at him over the edge of his book. “You really have a way with kids.”

“Yeah, it’s a simple technique I call ‘ _gross them out when you want to get a minute alone with your boyfriend._ ’ So far, I have a 100% success rate.” 

“Impressive.” 

“Thanks.” Sonny ran his hand through his hair, abandoning the gesture halfway through as he realized the futility of it. He squinted at Rafael, who’d shifted his gaze back to his book. “Hey. I like that color on you.”

Defeated by sheer Carisi relentlessness, and gratified by the openly appreciative look Sonny was giving him, Rafael closed the book and set it aside. Folding his hands over the soft curve of his belly, he smirked. “Why do you think I wore it?”

Impulsively, Sonny moved to join him on the chaise, carefully perching on the edge. He planted a dirt-encrusted hand on the seat beside Rafael’s thigh, his fingers twitching at the proximity. His voice was low and playfully accusing. “You’re such a fuckin’ tease. You know I can’t do anything but look at you right now.” 

“So _look_.”

“Trust me, I haven’t stopped checkin’ you out since you came outside.” He bit his lower lip and let his eyes wander over Rafael, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head, visually caressing what his hands could not. 

It was oddly exhilarating, basking in the tenderness that radiated from Sonny in moments like these. Not that Rafael was unused to amorous glances from a lover. He’d been approached enough times in bars and on beaches to know he had at least some appeal for the right sort of man. He considered himself to be attractive enough to get the job done, and dressed well enough to make the most of what he had. But this was different. Sonny looked at him as though he had never seen anything so wonderful, so worthy of his attention, as though he had ascended to some higher plane of beauty than he’d ever believed possible. It felt good to be desired so completely… so proudly.

Despite the dirt, Rafael covered Sonny’s hand with his own and squeezed. “Give me a kiss, you mess.” 

Unhesitatingly, Sonny acquiesced, leaning in toward Rafael. As he drew close, he murmured, “Jeez, you smell good.” 

“You don’t,” Rafael replied, wrinkling his nose. “But kiss me anyway.”

**********

“When I was eleven, I fell outta that tree and dislocated my elbow,” Sonny said, gesturing at a tree a few blocks up the road from his parents’ house. He was plainly relishing the role of tour guide, leading Rafael on a parade of landmarks and tales from his childhood. He rubbed his left elbow and cradled his forearm against his body. “I spent a good chunk of that summer with my arm in a sling, because I kept re-injuring it doing stupid crap. I thought Ma was gonna murder me after the first couple of times.”

Rafael chuckled. Having met her, he was struggling to picture her even approaching murderousness, especially with Sonny. She so clearly favored him, it was hard to imagine him ever provoking anything more than a sternly worded ' _I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed_ ' lecture. And even that was probably tempered with a bowl of ice cream. 

“See that house over there? The first girl I ever kissed lived there.”

“How old were you?” 

“I dunno, six? Something like that. Just smushing our lips together and giggling.” 

“Kissing and giggling, eh? Sounds vaguely familiar.”

“Only because you make me laugh so much, Rafi.”

Rafael hooked a finger in one of Sonny’s belt loops and gave it a gentle tug. “What about the first boy you ever kissed?”

“What about him?”

“How old were you?”

“Oh. I thought you wanted to know where he lived.” Sonny grinned, interlacing his fingers with Rafael’s. “I was older. A lot older.” 

They kept walking, passing an elementary school (“No, I went to a parochial school, about twenty blocks that way.”), and a playground (“I spent a summer doing pull-ups on those monkey bars. It sounds dumb now, but I was hoping to bulk up a bit.” “...from monkey bars?” “I know. I did end up with some pretty wicked calluses on my hands, though.”).

Rafael gestured toward a glassy, mid-century modern Catholic church across the street. “Is that…?”

“Yeah.” Squinting at the light reflecting off the immaculate glass, Sonny stopped walking. “I was baptized there. Took my first communion, and confirmation, and for a while, I thought maybe I’d become a priest.”

“Do you ever wish you had?”

“Are you kidding me?” Sonny shook his head. “Nah, I realized that wasn’t what God had planned for me.”

“And becoming a detective... was that part of God’s plan?”

“I guess so, yeah. I mean, the religious life isn’t the only way to do good. I think I wanted it for the wrong reasons.”

Rafael’s curiosity was piqued. He wanted to ask what Sonny meant by that, but he wasn’t sure if this was a touchy line of inquiry, especially after their earlier conversation. He looked across the street again. “Do you think it’s unlocked?”

Sonny peered at him quizzically but answered, “Yeah, it’s Saturday afternoon. It should be open for prayer and confession before this evening’s mass.” 

“Show me?” Before he could change his mind, Rafael started across the street, tightly gripping Sonny’s hand and pulling him along behind him.

“Hey, hold up a second, will ya?” Sonny protested as they approached the glass doors. Digging in his heels, he pulled free of Rafael’s grasp, throwing up his hands in confusion. “I don’t get you. You bit my head off this morning when I asked you to go to church with me, and now you’re draggin’ me across the street... _to go to church_?”

Rafael sighed quietly. He still wasn’t ready for the bigger conversation around this, but it was important that Sonny knew how sincerely he regretted his earlier behavior. "I know I said it this morning, but I'll say it again. I'm so sorry for that outburst. I wish I could take it back, but all I can do is express my regret and ask your forgiveness.”

Sonny looked down at his shoes, kicking at a pebble and sending it scuttling across the sidewalk. He finally nodded and said softly, “Of course I forgive you.”

“My objection earlier was to the assumption that I would be attending mass. This doesn’t change anything.” 

“So, what then? You want to see it, but only on your own terms?” Sonny laughed awkwardly. 

“I couldn't have said it better myself.” Rafael reached up and stroked Sonny’s cheek. It was smooth and soft, and turning pink from the heat and sun. “I can’t go through the motions and pretend to be part of this community. It wouldn’t be right. But as much as I’m able, I want to experience the things that made you who you are.”

Sonny tilted his head to one side, wordlessly leaning into Rafael’s touch, his blue eyes shining. Blinking away unshed tears, he offered a sheepish half-smile and inclined his head toward the door. “C’mon.”

They stepped inside. It was cool, and lit only by sunlight streaming through tall stained glass windows. The deeper shadows around the periphery of the church were pierced by dozens of flickering beeswax candles in wrought iron votive racks. Sonny dipped his fingertips in a font of holy water, crossing himself as they entered the nave. As they walked, the leather soles of Rafael’s sandals made a quiet slapping sound against the stone-tiled floor. 

They passed a few scattered parishioners kneeling in prayer, mostly clustered off to one side near the confessional. Rafael tried not to dwell on unbidden memories of his father’s hands digging into his shoulders, his fingertips leaving bruises as he steered him toward a heavily-curtained confessional. ‘ _Tell the father what you are, Rafael. Get in there and tell him you bring shame on your family._ ’

He’d confessed, alright. But Father Tomas hadn’t absolved him, because Rafael refused to call it a sin. He’d told the priest who he was, not as an act of contrition, but an act of defiance, an act of _pride_. To hell with his father, and their parish priest, and the whole goddamn church. 

His mother’s tears were the only things he regretted about any of it. Lucia tried to protect him, and ended up with a dislocated shoulder for her trouble. Rafael had to go to the hospital for a broken rib. ‘ _He fell, helping me carry groceries upstairs_ ’ was the official explanation, because apparently, there wasn’t room for ‘ _his hypocritical, homophobic father lost his temper again and blamed it on God_ ’ on the intake form.

He shoved the thought of his father as far away as he could manage, rejecting the ugliness of the distant past for the wonder he felt in the here and now.

Rafael allowed himself to be led around the church, quietly nodding as Sonny pointed out the stations of the cross, and paused briefly at a side chapel dedicated to St. Francis of Assisi. A few rows back from the altar, Sonny genuflected and crossed himself, then slid into the pew. He looked expectantly at Rafael, who hesitated a moment before taking a seat beside him. Rosary in hand, Sonny lowered the kneeler and eased down onto it, bowing his head in silent prayer.

Refusing to engage further with the demons of his past, Rafael remained seated. He looked around, focusing his attention on the relatively open, modern layout of the church. The windows were mostly abstract shapes and colors, and the walls appeared to be white marble. This was nothing like the traditional, gothic setting he’d always imagined influencing Sonny’s religious formation. Still, despite the less traditional appearance, it had that unmistakably churchy feeling, like an overly starched collar or shoes that hadn’t been broken in yet. Light and shadow, stillness and silence, all calculated to inspire awe, all dominated by the presence of an enormous crucifix over the altar, and the perpetual glow of the red candle near the tabernacle. 

None of it held any meaning for Rafael, but it was quiet, and, as he kept telling himself, as good a place as any for observing the exquisite beauty of Sonny Carisi. He could have been carved from imported marble, his remarkable profile softly illuminated by beams of light tinted by colored glass. 

_I love you._

He’d thought it so many times, wanted to say it so many times, but Rafael was quite sure he’d never felt so strong an impulse to say it as he felt right now. He wondered how much of that was due to his amusement at the thought of his father’s likely reaction to Rafael sitting unashamed in a church, silently loving the hell out of another man. 

Still, it wasn’t just that, and he knew it. 

The truth was, he’d forgotten what it was like to have a heart that beats for anything other than Sonny Carisi. It was that simple.

He could kneel down, right now, and tell him. It couldn’t be that hard, could it, to finally say the goddamn words? To confess the depth of his feelings for him? To admit he couldn’t imagine his life without him?

It was tempting, and for a fleeting moment, he believed he was really going to do it.

A tiny, round old woman shuffled by, a rosary wrapped around her hand, the crucifix dangling freely, beads clacking musically with each step. Her eyes lit briefly on Sonny, his head still bowed in prayer, then she shifted her gaze to Rafael. She gave a little nod and an encouraging smile, then resumed her meditative sojourn toward the church organ, where she settled in and began to play a quiet hymn. 

At the sound of the first few notes, Sonny crossed himself and slid back into his seat. He looked over at the organist and his eyes lit up with recognition. He leaned toward Rafael and whispered against his ear, “Sister Serena was my music teacher in school. She’s been the church organist here for as long as I can remember.”

“Do you want to go say hi?” 

Sonny shook his head. “She’s practicing for mass. I’ll see her tomorrow.” 

Rafael took the cue and rose from his seat, making his way down the center aisle toward the doors. If he made haste to get back outside, it wasn’t intentional. Sonny had long enough legs to keep up, or would catch up outside.

The late afternoon sun was still bright, but had begun working its way toward the western horizon. Stopping just outside the church, Rafael drew a cleansing breath and raised a hand over his eyes as Sonny stepped out into the sunlight. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” Sonny brushed his lips over Rafael’s, lingering for a moment before pulling him into a tight hug. Arms wrapped around him, cheek resting against Rafael’s hair, Sonny asked, “You okay?”

Rafael squeezed him and nodded. “I’m still here.”

“Yeah, but are you alright?” Sonny stepped back slightly, to afford a clear view of Rafael’s face. “I keep thinking about this morning. I didn’t mean to push you. If you did this because you thought you had to--”

“Sonny, I meant what I said before we went in. I wanted to see this place that has meant so much to you.” Rafael shrugged and took Sonny’s hand in his own. “Now I’ve seen it.”

They started walking again, heading back toward the Carisi house. They were quiet for a few minutes, thoughtful and content just to be together. 

Out of nowhere, Sonny gestured toward a house down a side street they crossed. “I was fourteen.”

Confused, Rafael arched a brow at him. “Fourteen?”

“When I kissed a guy. Giovanni. He lived in that house down there.” Sonny walked a bit further and stopped, running a hand through his hair. “Look... What I said earlier... I wanted to be a priest because I thought it’d fix me. Or at least, it’d fix my problem, you know?”

“The ‘problem’ of you being bi?”

“Yeah. I guess I thought maybe it’d be better if I took all that out of the equation, you know? I could channel all my love into something else. But it’s one thing to tell yourself you’re just gonna shut down all those feelings, and another thing to actually do it.”

“Sonny...”

“I know.” Sonny sighed. “I mean, I’d prayed and asked to have those feelings taken away more times than I could count, but nothing changed.”

“Because there was nothing wrong with you.”

“Part of me always knew that, Rafael, but part of me... I knew what the guys at school would do to someone like me. Not just the guys at school. The world. People can be--”

“Assholes?”

“I was gonna say mean, but yeah. And they like to think they’ve got God on their side, patting them on the back for their cruelty.” Sonny chuckled bitterly. “Anyway. I was going through my discernment process, trying to figure out what God wanted from me, and kept wondering why he would make me like this, if it was so wrong. I talked to my advisor about it, and you know what he said to me? _‘How can you give your life to God, if you’re denying who he made you to be? What you’re offering him is someone else’s life, not yours.’_ ”

“Wow.”

“I know. He was right, though. I wasn’t freely offering my best self to God. I was offering the creator of the universe a ‘gift’ of what I’d allowed the world to convince me was a piece of garbage that couldn’t be trusted to love in the right way.” Sonny’s eyes were welling up again, but this time he didn’t try to hide it. He looked right at Rafael, and held his hands out wide. “I’m who I’m supposed to be, just as I am. God didn’t want me to be a priest. He wanted me to be open to love.”

“The Church’s loss is my gain.” Rafael swallowed and reached for Sonny’s hand. _No time like the present._

“I could say the same.” Sonny turned to face Rafael, his brow furrowed with thought. “I want you to know, I don’t need you to believe. I don’t need you to be anyone other than who you are. I love... I love that you wanted to see my church. That you sat with me while I prayed. And you didn’t make me feel like a weirdo for it.”

“You’re not a weirdo.” Rafael said, then grinned and added, “At least, not for that.”

“I’m serious, Rafael.”

“I know you are. I am, too.” They were nearing the house, and Rafael felt an inexplicable sense of urgency. He just wanted to say it and get it over with. “Sonny, I need to--”

“There you are!” Val waved from the swing bench on the front porch. “Dom was just asking if I’d heard from you boys. He’s getting antsy to fire up the grill.”

Sonny waved to her and pulled out his phone. There were several missed calls. “Sorry Ma, I turned off my ringer earlier and forgot about it.”

With a resigned sigh, Rafael allowed himself to be pulled into a hug with Val and Sonny. He’d waited this long. He could wait a little longer.

**********

After the dinner dishes were washed and put away, and Sofia tucked in and contentedly sleeping in her crib, Val shooed everyone into the family room. She insisted there was just enough seating for everyone, and if it was too warm to sit too close, there were always extra chairs around the dining table.

Dom sat at the upright piano in the corner, tinkling away at the keyboard. He looked over at Rafael and Sonny, sitting comfortably together in the middle of the sofa, and flashed a toothy grin. “Rafael, you seem like a guy who knows his way around a song. Do you know this one?” 

He began to play a tune, humming a little of the melody, occasionally singing a few words. _“Whether near to me or far, dum dum da dee dum dum da dee dummm… I think of you night and day…”_

“Dad’s always trying to get someone to sing with him. You’ll get used to it.” Gina walked into the room, carrying a bag of potato chips. She pressed an indulgent kiss to her father’s cheek, then approached the sofa, playfully kicking her brother’s leg. “Scoot over, you.”

With a grunt of brotherly annoyance, Sonny acquiesced and nudged Rafael toward the end of the couch, to make room for his sister. She patted his arm and chirped a teasing, “Good boy.”

“I read somewhere, scientists have shown that singing is a mood booster. It releases those brain chemicals. You know the ones.” Dom looked over at Sonny expectantly. 

“Endorphins.” The look on Sonny’s face suggested this was not the first time he and his father had had this exact conversation.

“Yes, exactly. You see, that’s just science. So from a scientific perspective, can you blame me for wanting my family to be happy?” Dom kept playing, waving his wife over as she joined them in the family room. ”Rafael, if my son can spare you for a few minutes, I’ve got a songbook over here. Come on over and show us what you’ve got.”

Sensing there was no point in resisting, Rafael squeezed Sonny’s knee and slipped out from under his arm. He accepted the proffered songbook and flipped through it until he found something he knew would work for his voice. 

Dom looked over at the book and nodded approvingly. “One of my favorites, and coincidentally, confirmation of my hunch that you’re a Cole Porter man. Is this key okay?” He played a few bars of the intro, and Rafael hummed along and nodded. Dom started over, adding a few flourishes, grinning as Rafael began to sing. 

_“In the still of the night_  
_As I gaze from my window_  
_At the moon in its flight_  
_My thoughts all stray to you…”_

His eyes were closed. He felt more than a little foolish, and needed to focus on the song, instead of the roomful of people gazing expectantly at him. It was one thing to get up in a packed courtroom to passionately prosecute a case. But getting up in someone’s living room and singing a love song? Decidedly outside of his comfort zone.

His abuelita used to ask him to sing for her, mostly old songs. Songs from Cuba, songs from the Great American Songbook, songs that gave her a wistful, far-away look in her eye. Singing wasn’t something he did for just anyone. It was too personal, too intimate.

But this wasn’t for just anyone. 

He opened his eyes and there was Sonny, beaming at him from his spot on the sofa. Rafael knew Sonny’d heard him singing in the shower, or occasionally with the radio. Without question, this was something else entirely. 

_“Oh, the times without number_  
_Darling, when I say to you_

_“Do you love me as I love you_  
_Are you my life to be, my dream come true…”_

He knew it was just a song, and they were Cole Porter’s words, not his own. But he meant each and every word of it. Being here with him, with his family, it made Rafael realize with stark clarity how deeply he’d fallen in love with Sonny. Hell, he was still falling, and didn’t know how it was possible to love someone like this.

It was terrifying. He’d never known such an expansive feeling, and never had so much to lose. 

_“Or will this dream of mine fade out of sight_  
_Like the moon growing dim on the rim of the hill_  
_In the chill, still of the night… in the still of the night…”_

A chorus of cheers and applause went up from the room as the song ended. A genuinely impressed Dom clapped him on the back and urged him to do another one, but Rafael insisted he needed a drink. Mercifully, Teresa headed to the piano to sing a duet with her father, and Rafael made his way back to Sonny’s side, wondering if he looked as emotionally exposed as he felt right now.

Unable to stop grinning, Sonny put an arm around Rafael’s shoulders as he sat down. He leaned in close and pressed a kiss to his ear. “Oh, Rafael. You’ve been holding out on me.”

Rafael could do nothing but nod. He wasn’t wrong.

**********

The bedroom was warm, but not unpleasantly so, especially once the lights were turned off. The thin top sheet covering Sonny and Rafael fluttered softly in rhythm with the fan’s oscillation. It was deeply relaxing, or would be under normal circumstances.

Rafael couldn’t sleep. He was sprawled out on his back, his mind caught in a feedback loop of replaying conversations and obsessing over things yet unsaid. 

“Raf, are you awake?” Sonny whispered, his voice barely audible over the soft hum of the fan.

“Mmhmm. Brain won’t be quiet.” He scooted toward Sonny, spooning him and nuzzling at the back of his neck. 

“Ow, hang on.” Sonny reached up and turned on the bedside lamp. He rolled over to face Rafael. “Do I look sunburned to you? I feel like I got too much sun today.”

“We were outside a lot.” Rafael studied his features, gently tracing a fingertip around the perimeter of his face. “I don’t know, you look a little pink, but you get that way around me.”

Sonny grimaced. “For the record, I’m in actual pain, which doesn’t usually happen when I blush.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Rafael pulled his hand away. “I’d offer to kiss it and make it better, but…”

“Yeah, maybe not on sunburn.”

“What can I do to help?” Rafael was already out of bed and grabbing his robe. “Do you think there’s any aloe in the house?”

“In the bathroom. And maybe grab me some ibuprofen?”

Rafael nodded and headed to the bathroom. Rooting around in the medicine cabinet, he found the aloe but no ibuprofen. It was late, but there was still a light on downstairs, and he wasn’t about to give up without an exhaustive search or, failing that, a trip to the drug store. 

Dom was sitting in the living room, wearing only an undershirt and shorts, eating a red, white, and blue bomb pop. He waved the popsicle at Rafael. “Sneaking down for a little frozen midnight treat? There’s a whole box of these in the freezer. Helps to cool me down for bed.” 

“I haven’t had a bomb pop since I was a kid.”

“Sounds like you’re overdue for one, then.” Dom got up and started toward the kitchen. “Is Sonny already asleep? Or does he want one, too?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I was hoping to find some ibuprofen. He got too much sun today.”

“Well then, even more reason to bring him a little something.” Dom fetched the bottle of ibuprofen from the cupboard and handed it over, patting Rafael’s shoulder. “Just don’t tell Val I sent popsicles upstairs with you.”

Sworn to secrecy, Rafael returned to their room. Sonny was sitting up, facing the door. He had peeled off his t-shirt and tossed it to the foot of the bed. “I was about to send out a search party.”

“I had to go downstairs for ibuprofen, and your father roped me into a conspiracy.” He handed over a bomb pop and started unwrapping his own. “Eat it quickly, and try not to make a mess.”

“Oh, I know. Don’t wanna give those mice any ideas.” 

Rafael smirked. “Popsicle-eating mice.” 

“Do you think they prefer those orange creamsicles? Or the ones in the plastic tubes that kinda slice the sides of your mouth if you eat too many of ‘em?” Between words, Sonny was sucking his way along the length of his popsicle, doing his best to prevent it from dripping on the bed. 

Trying not to choke, Rafael looked away and took a seat on his side of the bed. “I doubt mice have strong opinions one way or the other on the subject.” 

“I’m just sayin’, I know I have preferences. Why wouldn’t a mouse?”

There was no arguing with that. Rafael settled into silence. He bit off the red tip of his popsicle, contentedly crunching at the rapidly melting chunk of sugar water. He looked over at Sonny, his usually pink lips now bright cherry red, and wondered for the thousandth time how anyone could be so lovable. Just looking at him licking his melting popsicle made Rafael’s heart ache. 

Sonny caught his eye and ducked his head a little, as though the weight of Rafael’s silent adoration was too much to bear. He took another long slurp of his bomb pop, his eyes sparkling with affection as he said to Rafael, “You look real cute tonight, you know that?”

“You’re just saying that because I brought you a popsicle.”

“I’m sayin’ it because it’s true, you fuckin’ cutie.” Sonny’s voice was low and emphatic as he poked Rafael in the side. 

Squirming away from the ticklish prodding, Rafael squinted indignantly at him. “I’m forty-five.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything, but fine. You fuckin’ _forty-five year old_ cutie.” Sonny grinned at Rafael’s resigned expression. He leaned a little closer and murmured, “I’d be all over you, if everything didn’t hurt so much.”

“I would kiss you _so hard_ right now if I thought I could do it without hurting you.”

“Wish you could.” Sonny winked at him. “Maybe tomorrow.” 

“Here’s to a speedy recovery,” Rafael said with quiet sincerity. 

It wasn’t so much that he craved Sonny’s touch, although he’d be lying if he didn’t admit to at least some degree of truth there. The desire for physical intimacy of some sort was a given for both of them, damn near every day since they’d admitted their interest in one another. But no, it wasn’t that, really. Rafael was entirely fine with a day or two or more without sex. What was hard to deal with was seeing Sonny in pain, harder still when his usual methods of offering comfort would only make things worse. Snuggles and playful squeezes would be off the table for at least a day or two, until the sunburn faded a bit.

Determined to at least try to help, he polished off what was left of his bomb pop in two large bites, gritting his teeth through a searing flash of blessedly-fleeting brain freeze. He grabbed the aloe vera and squeezed out a large dollop. With a delicate touch, he began dabbing it over the vivid pink flesh on the back of Sonny’s neck and shoulders. There was heat radiating off the sunburned skin, but he’d seen worse. Still, Sonny winced at his touch, and would probably not sleep well tonight. Rafael popped the cap off the bottle of ibuprofen and poured out a dose into the palm of Sonny’s hand. “Maybe they’ll help you sleep.”

Nodding, Sonny did as he was told. With a pained sigh, he eased down onto his side, repeatedly mushing at his pillow in an effort to get comfortable. He shifted his weight slightly, and muttered a quiet, “Ow.” 

“For the record, you are staying out of the sun tomorrow.” Rafael turned off the lights again and slipped into bed facing Sonny. The moon was shining in through the window, casting a silvery blue glow over him. In the dark, he didn’t look sunburned. He just looked beautiful. “You okay? Can I get you anything else?”

Sonny opened his eyes and offered a weak smile as he caressed Rafael’s cheek. “You take such good care of me, Raf.”

_I love you._

“I try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes...
> 
> Cymon and Iphigenia are characters from Giovanni Boccaccio's Decameron, an Italian romance written in the 14th century. The story involves Cymon, an uncouth young man, stumbling across the sleeping form of Iphigenia, at perfect repose in the woods. Her beauty transforms and ennobles him in both mind and demeanor. The characters have been portrayed in several significant works of art, particularly the exquisite 1884 painting by Frederic Leighton, which was in my mind as I referenced them in the first section of this chapter. (Seriously, open another tab and look up a high resolution image of it, but imagine Sonny in the place of Iphigenia, and Rafael standing there, stricken to the core by this goddamn angelic creature. Your life will never be the same.) 
> 
> Cornetti are sometimes referred to as Italian croissants, but that is doing them a grave injustice. They're not curved like a croissant, and the texture is more dense and chewy, while somehow still managing to be light and flaky, at least on the outside. There is usually a hint of orange or almond in the dough, and sometimes almond paste in the middle. (Uuuunnnffff, you have no idea.) If you've never eaten one, you'll have to trust me, and/or go to a decent Italian bakery to try one. 
> 
> The religious tension between Sonny and Rafael is something I've wanted to explore for ages. There is still more to say on that, but it will be in a future installment.
> 
> A lot of Barisi writers have touched on what they suspected were Rafael's reasons for clenching his fist at the memory of his father. I have my own headcanons about that, some of which made it into this chapter. And some of that is why I have felt it was important for Sonny's family to be... what I've written.
> 
> The discerning reader may be wondering, "Did she slip the beginnings of the Bombolone origin story into this chapter?" Why yes, dear reader, she did. (Anyone who doesn't follow me on Twitter is probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Bombolone is a French bulldog, who figures heavily in my personal Barisi headcanons. You're certainly welcome to prefer cats in your visions of Barisi utopia, but for me, this lil chub of a dog is where it's at.)
> 
> Sister Serena is a tiny tribute to my first grade music teacher, a short, plump Italian nun who wore cat-eye glasses and comfortable shoes. She was old, and sweet, and wise, and incredibly kind to my weird little self. I'd like to think Sonny had a Sister Serena of his own, who smiled at him as she shuffled her way through the church, and helped him to see that love is more important than any rules we could ever dream up.
> 
> The songs toward the end of the chapter are both by Cole Porter. I just like the songs, tbh. If you want to check them out, I recommend Frank Sinatra's 1957 recording of "Night and Day," and his 1961 recording of "In the Still of the Night." (Ella Fitzgerald's 1956 recording of the latter is also amazing.)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Your kind comments and feedback are always appreciated. Until next time, please know how deeply grateful I am for each of you.


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